Good Byerelund, Hellondon

I left Westport sometime yesterday, which until about four hours ago, still counted as today, as i didn't sleep all night unti lthis brief nap.

i left after picking blueberries with amy and sarah, playing mbira with them, and seeing 'muldoon's insurance company'. it took 8 hours to get from wport to dublin and then 3 and a half hours by ferry to england. i visitted the outdoor observation deck and stared off into the cold blackness of night littered with stars and the heavenly shine of the light house swinging its light in circles.

what i have come to understand during this trip, is that i have no connection to the places i am, and no perspective therefore of where i am, if i do not feel the earth or water beneath me, or the sky above my head. i need to feel my surroundings and at least be free to look at them - like looking at the moon through the window, and the treeline at night when everything is darker and denser then the next thing.

so i stood on top of this vessel in the cold night air with teddo peering out from my bag and thought about these pilgrimages and how strong and slow we were in the irish sea with such force underneath us. the water is everlasting and brute force, especially in the darkness, but at the same time it is calm and loving. nature has a way of contradicting herself gracefully.

and so it was that i departed and met many wonderful people on the way back to dublin and all the way to london. i spoke with a ghanean man about his culture and philosophies about ancestry, deathlivingpresentpastfuture, and ritual. we talked about love, and being complete when you share your love with someone else, but how that doesn't negate your completeness when you are alone. he was very kind and gentle and we made a beautiful connection. he told me the story of his wife and him meeting and how his family is the most important thing to me. he asked me a whole heap of questions about traveling, spirituality vs religion in my life, self-denial for the purpose of spiritual discipline (abstinence, fasting), and the feelings of traveling alone. he asked me what it is i have learned about myself from traveling the world alone and i realized i hadnt put it to words yet, and all of this has been a mere WEEK. i have been on my lonesome for a week now. exactly a week ago i was just waking up from a nap in the hostel after walking on low fuel all day in dublin, trying to feel with my full heart, the nature of the city. i woke up with anxiety for uncertainty and the prospect of meeting new people which has always rattled my bones a bit. once i got up and went outside, everything fell into place, and i was eased into calmness.

i am feeling this now. this anxiety. i think from a deficiency in iron and true nutrition because i have eaten very few vegetables and nutritious foods, on top of having gotten my period two days ago. i have one luna pad. i have two white-turned-red socks. and i have a nervous little heart breathing fast in her own little heartcenter. tara is gone - perhaps to go move her stuff into her friends' house, or perhaps to go to the circus event she was going to.

i woke up in the bed in her father's house without a context, and the shade was drawn and the light made it look like a dungeon which was characteristic of my dream, though i can not remember it right now. and i am not discontent, but i am a little shaky and lonely, but feeling all the stronger and full of love for it. i'm so glad to be here with tara. paralleling situations, a beautiful baby, a beautiful sister, a beautiful city (BELLA), and so much joy and light. it was so so so foggy this morning. true london fog, and when i knew she was coming down the street to pick me up i couldn't help but smile at the brightness she was bringing with her. always bright, that one.

and so it is that i have been thinking about what i have learned, and trying hard not to dwell too much on the presence of a particular love i feel. rather, i let it color me and i let it move me to be more beautiful and full of light. i let it be my anchor and my support. i feel carried by this love that i have, and the love i have been surrounded with.

and i feel like i have learned about being alone and how to bring myself into the present. i have learned how to recognize when i need rest in order to give of myself fully in a way that is in my integrity.

and i have learned that the world is ONE PLACE and we are always home no matter how far away we are from whatever we identify as our nest. i dont know what i identify, or what i am comfortable to identify, but this last week and a half has had me watching a little change take place in where my center of gravity is, how i express love, feeling love freely, and acclamating to the trust of giving this love freely, even if it may not be received. and of course, it is, but you never know if your heart will recoil from someone throwing up their hands or shrugging their shoulders. all the more reason to give.

this is perhaps jumbled and too abstract. but i feel love and i feel an ache and i feel anxiety.

'i'm far away and i'm feeling alone, i've got one week behind me just 11 more to go. if i could see you i'd take off your clothes and we'd lie in the garden and watch the weeds grow.'

also, perhaps the biggest inner expansion for the last few days has been my focus on listening. it happened when i was at the beach way out on the peninsula with the blue herring and oyster shells. i found a little secluded encirclement and stood with the wind swishing past me, moving the little pool of water that had been caught in the land. i listened to the wind, with croagh patrick standing tall and grand in the light gray sky, and the ocean to my left, shrubs and grass to my left, under my feet, and i felt like my heart was listening. it was hearing the wind with stillness inside of itself, and my brain was quiet too as if the wind were telling it a secret it found worthy of calming down for. i listened to the wind gently trace the contours of my ears, felt her on my face, watched her move the surface of the water, and the grass. and i felt like i could see into the core of everything. it has only gotten stronger. i can look at people, animals, plants, even things, and i can feel the root of their life (soul i suppose you call it) shining and humming with brilliance, even if it isn't conscious for them. and it is all so beautiful and i try to be centered enough in my interaction with this world and its beings that i can honor it and see it clearly in every moment. or at least be conscious of it and express myself from the place of experiencing it.

and so with heavy heart, i will end this post, because i have a life to go experience and my adventures have been good and i have been doting on this love in my heart and spreading forth to me, but to write of it anymore would be putting too many sprinkles on the ice cream

with nervous heart of hearts, but nonetheless, all of it,

sairuh