Orbit

Emilie arrived this morning to a foggy London that started putting down rain as only it should.

It seems I brought the sunshine fiercely to these isles, but she has brought the rain, and that force is stronger than what I have summoned.

It was the right kind of day for laze. We got off the train, got a little lost following directions, bought food for an epic fritata, and walked in the rain until we spotted a bus. everyone kept telling us not to walk the distance, but once we got on the bus and paid 90 pence, we realized it was two or three stops away. you can't quite trust people telling you not to walk places. we are new yorkers with feet that want to take us on.

so it was the right day for me to go back to sleep while Emilie tries to catch up. we laughed and talked and got so excited on the train back to tara's house and talked to an english fellow from brighton which he says is the san francisco of london. queers and hippies all around. he is going through a divorce now - despite looking extremely young - say, 25. He is getting divorced from the person he has been with for 7 years, but supposedly, two years ago when they became married, everything changed. He told us not to rush this marriage thing, and to be absolutely sure. thank you, sir.

and it made me think of killing the things you love with the 'security' of forever. Equally as ferocious and violent is the inability to commit or trust, but there is something that dies in you when you try to secure things past the point of potential loss. we can never be sure of things. that is what gives fire to our connections, no? being secure is important in certain ways though. we can rest assured that we are loved, and that we LOVE someone/something, and we can trust in the connections we have, but we can never be fully sure that they will not change. and so we live everyday being true to our feelings, and hoping that the other person reciprocates. i'm not saying that i think things do change often, especially as we get older and more and more able to love fully and courageously. i am saying though, that we have to live in the absolute potential of change and greet everyday as new, because in the premature settling of things, we lose something very important. i think it is the ability to see the spontaneity of the world...it must be, because inherently, when you try to secure something forever, and deny its potential for change, you begin to deny all of the changes, inherent in spontaneity.

this is my head and heart right now. a mixture of having and not having. a state of existing both here and there, but seeking only one spot. And I want very badly to be in both places, but do not have the ability to coexist that way. and for the better.

so i am HERE and i am glad i am here because i have been wanting this for so long, but it's time for me to settle out my bones and be present. I don't want to continue to exist in thought.

there are so many things at home that are beautiful and make my life an amazing adventure. so many connections, all in a period of transition. and if i were there, i would be giving all 137% of myself to them, but i am HERE, and i want to be, because this is what i have chosen for now. this is what i have known is right for me. those things are right for me too, but if they are meant to be they will continue, and i trust they will only grow inside of me.

- - - -
and so we have it that emilie is here and i have a companion on this continent. i feel only excitement for this. i loved traveling alone, but i am ready to have someone to see with, and to experience with, who can hug me when i am feeling like the words in 'such great heights'. and to just love and be with because emilie is a beautiful pink flower

i think we are all going out tonight which is exciting and a bit overdue. it's not something i am used to, but i suppose none of this is anything i am used to and it will only serve to enrich my life.

here we go now